Hey guys. I am always very upfront in this space about my own struggles with anxiety, and I wanted to share a very personal and serious post again (two days in a row!) I know so many people who struggle and while we all walk different paths and have different journeys and solutions it is always good to know that we are not alone in feeling this way.
2023 was very rough for me. Wyatt had a difficult year medically, and so did I. The medication I was taking to help me with anxiety ended up landing me in the hospital, and after that I was too nervous to take anything else, which ended up being NOT the best thing for me. I continued to feel worse and worse everyday, for months and months on end. I struggled to stay present in my life. I was doing all the things I needed to do, but minus the “me” if that makes sense.
I started therapy in the fall which was helpful, but that therapist was not the perfect therapist for me. In fact, she even told me at one point that she didn’t think she could help me and didn’t seem interested in scheduling new appointments. So, I stopped the visits and went back to trying to manage on my own, which was not great.
At the beginning of the year, a friend told me that her wish for us was for us to feel better this year, and control our anxiety even if that meant taking medicine. And I decided I was going to take the reins again. I tried a new, different therapist and this time, the therapist and I clicked. During my first visit she asked me though what goals I had for myself, and where I fit in in my own life. What I did for me, just me. And quite frankly, I didn’t have answers for any of this. No goals for myself. None. And as for what I did for me, the answer was the same. Nothing. Put that way, in plain sight, admitting it to myself, was eye-opening and sort of scary. My therapist began working with me on reframing my thoughts, and opening my mind up to more forward thinking about the future., to unstick my brain from where it was. She had me write a list of 101 things to do be see and experience, which I started but still have to finish – that is a lot of stuff! She encouraged me to make a journal of my victories, even tiny ones, everyday. And she told me a few very important things in a way that stuck with me and made sense to my brain.
- That my brain is just a recording and playback device, and I need to tell it no brain, that scenario is not the only one. It might have happened that way once before, but there is more than one way this can play out.
- My mind thinks it knows what will happen, but it doesn’t – since it hasn’t happened yet.
- Finally, that I spend time thinking about the worst case scenario, and I need to give equal time to thinking about the best case scenario and then the most likely scenario.
These three things and telling myself to think about this when I get anxious, helped immensely. It is weird, but I don’t know everything that is going to happen even though apparently my brain thinks it does. Hmm. Lol.
That particular therapist was amazing, and I randomly found her just by going to my insurance’s app and choosing an appointment with someone. Her first name is Grace, so that is why I picked her over the others that were available. It seemed like a nice safe name, a reassuring one. I was led in the right direction because she changed my world.
I also decided to try medicine one more time. This time, my doctor and I had a very good conversation about my apprehensions and she ended up prescribing a medication that was a life-saver. She told me that all of her patients who have anxiety love it, and I was pretty skeptical. But, I told myself I was doing this, and I was all in this time. I was giving this a real try for me and for my family. When I first started the meds, I was so tired. I slept for two days. (I started on a weekend so that Billy would be home since it was a new medicine). I wanted to quit, but I didn’t. The next four days I was tired, but not to the point where I slept for two days straight. I was functioning but I did give Wyatt and I the week off of school and let him watch lots of tv, which I don’t really do. I felt super guilty but Billy told me to think of it like I was physically ill and to give myself…grace. So I listened and kept going. By the end of the week, I was no longer sleepy tired, and every day I felt better and better. I began to feel like myself again. Now, a few months in, I feel like I am back to me. I still have anxiety, obviously, but it doesn’t eat away at me constantly. I had reached a point where I turned to Billy one day and said “I can no longer live like this, and I don’t know what to do.” I knew I had to take control so that I could be the person I needed to be for him, for Wyatt – and for me. I always leave myself out of the equation, and that is one thing I have been slowly trying to do.
I went to a luncheon at Wyatt’s clinic for moms of special needs kids the other day. It was a fun afternoon away, but one thing that stuck with me was something the social worker told us all to do. She said she knows our lives are different and hard and we may not have lots of time for ourselves, but that we needed to find a few minutes everyday that are just for us. She suggested making a box that we can pull out with some items in it that comfort us and bring us some joy, and encouraged us to make time that way. Just a few minutes, somewhere in our day, for us. And lately I have been trying to make this time, these box moments although I am not doing that yet. I am taking the time to paint my nails fun colors every week. I also now have a morning and nightly ritual to take care of me, and that is my skin care routine. It may sound so weird, but self-care for me was super basic. Like if I could squeeze the time in, I would do it. Now, I am prioritizing more than a ten minute shower. Every morning and every night, I am washing my face, and now I have a whole routine I do. In the mornings, I cleanse and tone and apply hyaluronic acid and add my moisturizer and spf. At night, it changes but it also has multiple steps. And it is so helpful to my mental health. Actually yesterday, the next morning after spending time at the hospital with Wyatt, I asked Billy if he could stay with Wyatt so I could do my morning routine, even though I knew he was leaving for work. At first he said no, he had to go to work, and I started to cry. Don’t judge him too harshly though, it was a rough time for us both emotionally and we were trying to cope in our own ways. Him through work and me reaching out for my time too. I just wanted him to stay an extra ten minutes so that I didn’t need to worry Wyatt was going to vomit while I was out of the room, but his mind was elsewhere. Once he thought about it for more than ten seconds he was instantly apologetic and went and got me a towel and told me to take a shower and do my thing, that it was ok. He could be late.
So all of these things combined are helping me, in addition to my faith and church and the support I have been given from my family and friends . You all know who you are! This is my journey and I really hope that if you are out there struggling and feeling sort of hopeless, that you are not alone. I hope that you will find the path that makes you feel well again and brings you out of the fear and darkness, and I know how very hard and scary that can be, both to live that way and to take steps forward. If you feel you are ready to take that step but are unsure of where to go, talk to your doctor. Talk to someone close. Talk to a therapist. Find someone that clicks. And keep trying and don’t give up. Remember your brain does not know everything even when it is telling you it has all the answers.
Still Life, With Cracker Crumbs.. 