My mom passed away last Tuesday. She was calm and peaceful, and I was holding her hand. And my heart broke into a million pieces.
The night before, my brother and I spent the night in her room with her, mom in her bed, and Devin and I squished onto our own individual loveseats. Feet to feet, and we would sit up and talk and it was like we were in a boat. As I lay there, I thought about how the three of us were always together, and it seemed fitting that we were that night as well, all three of us together. I wondered as well when the last time the three of us had slept like that. A vacation when we were kids, maybe? My brother and I would try to sleep, and then we would talk, and then laugh at times because of something one of us would do, because if Billy calls me Calamity because of what I get myself into sometimes, then my brother is Calamity 2.0. I would say only my brother and I could have mishaps on such a night, but we apparently have followed in the footsteps of my mom and aunt Barb, who were also Calamity and Calamity 2.0.
And I am rambling.
I can’t say too much else, because I am made of tears right now. I do laundry, I cry. I make dinner, I cry. I cry in the shower. I cry in stores while shopping.
I will say everyone in my life has been very supportive and kind, and even those who I haven’t talked to in years and years having been sharing bits and pieces with me, small memories of my mom, things I didn’t remember or sometimes didn’t know. And it has been helping me, hearing these stories. I am also overwhelmed by the number of people who have commented and messaged me; my mother touched so many lives, in her quiet ways. So even while I am crying enough to fill the Great Lakes over again, I am also being buoyed up by those around me and online. I have very good friends and family, near and far. I am blessed in that way.
And I can’t write anymore today, but I will be back when I have healed a little. Thank you to all of you too, for your kind comments of support over the past few weeks.
In your sorrow, please know you are surrounded by many, many people who will support you and continue to help you with this journey. I am glad you are hearing all these stories to remind you of the many ways your mom touched people.
Thank you Marsha. And thank you for your message on Instagram as well. I appreciate it and may take you up on it.
I am so sorry to read this. I was with my mom when she passed as well. Her hand was in mine. It is a moment that has never left me.
I pray that the memories you have of your moments together bring you comfort in the time ahead. My condolences to you and your family.
Thank you so much. It is so very hard. I will never forget it either.
Lovely photos, lovely memories.
Thank you Joanne.
I completely understand, my father passed away quite suddenly last Saturday and I find I’m crying at the oddest moments/ times. We didn’t have a fantastic relationship and we weren’t close but thankfully I do have some good memories of times with him. I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
Oh Joanne. I am so sorry to hear this. I know that you and your children and husband are a very tight family, and I know that they will help you through this. These sudden tears just sneak up!
I’m so sorry.
I’m so sorry. Losing my stepdad 2 years ago and it is still fresh enough that occasionally I’ll cry. Especially when I see a cardinal in the back yard. Not only because of how they say cardinals are the spirits of our loved ones, but because my stepdad liked cardinals and had a little statue that sang cardinal songs. Take care of yourself and do what feels best for you to get through this. We will be here for you if you need anything!
It is crazy you mentioned cardinals. My mom and my aunt also really loved cardinals, and we would always think of my aunt when we saw one. On Tuesday, while I was holding my mom’s hand, I heard a cardinal outside and I turned to my (different) aunt and said “that was a cardinal.” Just as I said that, my mom took her last breath. It was something I can’t describe quite right, but I do believe my mom’s older sister came back for her.
I am glad that you have that reminder of your stepdad. Those of us left behind need them! And thank you so much.
Life’s most difficult and heartbreaking loss. I’m so sorry. I lost my mom last October. 😭 💔 Close family is the truest comfort. Cherish your memories…. Love never dies and the love you shared will be with you always. Courage, Dear Heart.
Thank you so much Carol. And thank you for all of your kind words the past few weeks. This is so very very hard but I am blessed with so many good people near me. (and online!)
I am so sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you could be with her and hold her hand.
I hope your memories and those that are shared with you by others will be comforting you. Take care of yourself.
Thank you Cat. I appreciate it.
Erin, I am sad about the loss of your mama. Sending good thoughts and prayers.
Thank you Deb.
It is very hard to lose your mother, I know. But it sounds like you had a good relationship with her, and you’ll have many lovely memories of her that will hopefully comfort you in the future. My sincere condolences.
I feel like we made so so many good memories together, my mom and brother and I. Right now they make me cry to think about but I am so glad that I have them.
Thank you.
A beautiful piece of writing, a wonderful tribute to your mama. I am very sorry for your loss. It’s nearly a year since I lost my own mama. I know your pain. We are never ready to give them up.
I feel like that is what I keep saying to my husband, that I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want her to go. This is so hard. And thank you Gail. I am sorry to hear about your mother as well. My friend told me that it is the club everyone joins but no one wants to, and it is so true.
So sorry for your loss😥 I love seeing all the photos, she was well loved😁
Thank you Tammy
My heart just hurts for you, friend. But I’m so glad you were all together that last night. Sending all the hugs and prayers to you, your guys, and the family. <3
Also, I love that the Calamity "status" is an inherited thing 🙂
Take all the time you need <3
Thank you Rebecca. My brother and I will remember that forever, and I am so glad that we were all together like that.
Lol it really is. We are just a big family of Lucille Balls over here.
I am so deeply sorry, Erin. No words can fully help but know that my cyber arms are wrapped around you with both sympathy and empathy. I’m grateful you and your brother could spend that farewell time together. I love the photos you shared here, especially the ones with Wyatt — you can just see the love. Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself in these challenging days. Loss wears us thin. Biggest hugs.
Thank you Jeanie. I am glad that my brother and I had that time with her as well.
And I have so so many photos of my mom and Wyatt and every picture is like that – you can just see the love between them. I am going to have them printed out and put in a book for him.
And thank you.
I’m so sorry Erin! I’m sending you hugs and prayers.
Thank you Vicki.
So sorry for your loss! Sending lots of love your way.
Thank you.
I’m glad you were all together but I’m so very sorry for your loss
Thank you Jen. I feel so grateful that I was there with her.
Such a tough time of life. Take care of yourself!
Thank you Joy
I missed this post! I’m so sorry for your loss, Erin! Thank you for sharing your lovely memories! Sending virtual hugs your way!
Thank you Rachel.