When you have a toddler, life goes on. Even on those days you don’t feel like doing a single thing, you get up, run a straight iron through your tangled hair, pull on your Converse and do what you gotta do.

Halloween is my favorite holiday – I say that a lot. I want to make the holiday fun and magical for my son, so this year I went a little crazy and lined up what seems like a million fun activities to do. Saturday was definitely worth it. Our local MetroPark, Oakwoods, holds  Evening Lantern Tours for people 10 and up every year, where they “haunt” the woods in the nature center. We haven’t been to that in a while, but after attending the little kids version with our little dude, we are putting it on the list for next year as a date night. We took W. to the Kids, Candy and Costumes event which was awesome. By far the cheapest activity we have been to (just $5~), it was also one of the most fun.

This is a definite redo next year. I thought it was very well done and the kids loved tromping through the woods in their costumes.

The following day we were at the cider mill, to meet up with cousins and kids. It was memories, as when my cousins and I were children, we all went to this particular cider mill together, a and would carve pumpkins and each chili afterwards. Now we are all grown up, with our own kids, so it was cool to be able to continue the tradition. It was hot as midsummer that day too – I even got a sunburn. However the weather the rest of this week has been dreary- but fall!

Last week my grandmother passed away, in the wee early hours of the morning. She was an amazing lady, who was a tiny little force to be reckoned with, wrapped up in a five foot tall package. She was independent, fierce, with a sly, quick wit. She was generous, and kind, and never let you leave her house without at least something to take with you, from a cookie to a magazine to who knows what. You were not allowed to leave empty-handed. Creative and artistic, she painted, made things with stained glass, drew, knitted hats for children who had no warm clothes, knitted hats for my own child. She was a spitfire, who probably taught me how to swear, and she never backed down from a fight. She could cook up a storm, and made the best rice pudding. I remember winters, sitting in her kitchen, steam heating the room and fogging the windows, and being served creamy delicious rice pudding that she had made. It is one of those flavors that take you back in time, like Proust’s Madelines. She loved lemon meringue, and lemon flavored desserts, just like me, and my brother, and my son. We like things tart, I guess.

Her name was Marion, and she was my last remaining grandparent. I should feel blessed that I am the age I am now, just now losing my last grandparent. And I do. But you are never ready. And my grandma had a sense of invincibility about her.

It is the first time I have had to grieve, while caring for a child. I got the news on Friday, and then was alone all day with my son. It’s hard to be heartbroken and care for a child. In reverse though, it’s hard to be heartbroken and care for a child. Does that make sense? It was hard, but at the same time, being around my son made it a little easier, with his sunny smile. He is only 2, and won’t remember her, like I remember my great-grandma and great-grandpa. That will be up to me. And my brother and my father and my mother and stepmother, my cousin and aunt, to share our stories. And goodness knows, there are enough of them. She had a lot of living in her life, and many stories to share. I will miss her terribly.

After a fabulous meal and some laughs with friends last night, we got in the car and I just started bawling.  Hands over my face, crying. Traffic was terrible leaving the city, with a Kid Rock concert and a Tigers game, I had stumbled on gravel in an alleyway so my knee was killing me, and I was anxious to get home. None of this warranted tears, and wouldn’t have under other frames of mind. I think despite having a fantastic time out, or maybe because, I just fell apart. Perhaps I finally relaxed enough to let emotion out that I had been keeping hard at bay.

Life can be stressful, for all of us, everyday. Our responsibilities weigh on us, our families depend on us. The house needs to be cleaned, you don’t clean it well enough. Countless trips to the store and the doctors. Phone calls. Loved ones battling serious illnesses. The country ideologically at war with each other, everyone so ready to fight with someone else. Sometimes it is hard to make the time for our mental health and physical health, and I haven’t been doing a good job of either lately. My resolution this year was to do just that, and last night was a warning why.

I need to find some balance – I need to become unbusy. I have been slowly working my way through our home, discarding things that are no longer needed, wanted, or useful, taking a minimalistic approach to things. We are buying new things carefully and thoughtfully. I think I need to clean out my schedule too, and slow things down. We are always on the run, squeezing things in, people in. I don’t want to squeeze people in. I want to be able to luxuriate in their presence! I want to spend quality time with my family and friends and have real conversations, not just hear a list of what they have been doing. I want to hear how they are, really. What they have been thinking, rather than doing. I want to taste my food instead of eating quickly so I can move on. I want to enjoy that cup of coffee, that glass of wine. I want moments to count, and just be counted off.

So what do I do from here? I guess I start letting stuff go, saying no. Working smarter not harder. To me, fall is renewal, of the cycle of life, the balance our world needs. I am going to take my cue from it, and find my own balance and renewal.