After a fabulous meal and some laughs with friends last night, we got in the car and I just started bawling. Hands over my face, crying. Traffic was terrible leaving the city, with a Kid Rock concert and a Tigers game, I had stumbled on gravel in an alleyway so my knee was killing me, and I was anxious to get home. None of this warranted tears, and wouldn’t have under other frames of mind. I think despite having a fantastic time out, or maybe because, I just fell apart. Perhaps I finally relaxed enough to let emotion out that I had been keeping hard at bay.
Life can be stressful, for all of us, everyday. Our responsibilities weigh on us, our families depend on us. The house needs to be cleaned, you don’t clean it well enough. Countless trips to the store and the doctors. Phone calls. Loved ones battling serious illnesses. The country ideologically at war with each other, everyone so ready to fight with someone else. Sometimes it is hard to make the time for our mental health and physical health, and I haven’t been doing a good job of either lately. My resolution this year was to do just that, and last night was a warning why.
I need to find some balance – I need to become unbusy. I have been slowly working my way through our home, discarding things that are no longer needed, wanted, or useful, taking a minimalistic approach to things. We are buying new things carefully and thoughtfully. I think I need to clean out my schedule too, and slow things down. We are always on the run, squeezing things in, people in. I don’t want to squeeze people in. I want to be able to luxuriate in their presence! I want to spend quality time with my family and friends and have real conversations, not just hear a list of what they have been doing. I want to hear how they are, really. What they have been thinking, rather than doing. I want to taste my food instead of eating quickly so I can move on. I want to enjoy that cup of coffee, that glass of wine. I want moments to count, and just be counted off.
So what do I do from here? I guess I start letting stuff go, saying no. Working smarter not harder. To me, fall is renewal, of the cycle of life, the balance our world needs. I am going to take my cue from it, and find my own balance and renewal.