Tag: anxiety

A Very Personal Post -May is Mental Health Awareness Month

On By Erin @ Cracker Crumb LifeIn metal health, Uncategorized12 Comments

Hey guys. I am always very upfront in this space about my own struggles with anxiety, and I wanted to share a very personal and serious post again (two days in a row!) I know so many people who struggle and while we all walk different paths and have different journeys and solutions it is always good to know that we are not alone in feeling this way.

2023 was very rough for me. Wyatt had a difficult year medically, and so did I. The medication I was taking to help me with anxiety ended up landing me in the hospital, and after that I was too nervous to take anything else, which ended up being NOT the best thing for me. I continued to feel worse and worse everyday, for months and months on end. I struggled to stay present in my life. I was doing all the things I needed to do, but minus the “me” if that makes sense.

I started therapy in the fall which was helpful, but that therapist was not the perfect therapist for me. In fact, she even told me at one point that she didn’t think she could help me and didn’t seem interested in scheduling new appointments. So, I stopped the visits and went back to trying to manage on my own, which was not great.

At the beginning of the year, a friend told me that her wish for us was for us to feel better this year, and control our anxiety even if that meant taking medicine. And I decided I was going to take the reins again. I tried a new, different therapist and this time, the therapist and I clicked. During my first visit she asked me though what goals I had for myself, and where I fit in in my own life. What I did for me, just me. And quite frankly, I didn’t have answers for any of this. No goals for myself. None. And as for what I did for me, the answer was the same. Nothing. Put that way, in plain sight, admitting it to myself, was eye-opening and sort of scary. My therapist began working with me on reframing my thoughts, and opening my mind up to more forward thinking about the future., to unstick my brain from where it was. She had me write a list of 101 things to do be see and experience, which I started but still have to finish – that is a lot of stuff! She encouraged me to make a journal of my victories, even tiny ones, everyday. And she told me a few very important things in a way that stuck with me and made sense to my brain.

  • That my brain is just a recording and playback device, and I need to tell it no brain, that scenario is not the only one. It might have happened that way once before, but there is more than one way this can play out.
  • My mind thinks it knows what will happen, but it doesn’t – since it hasn’t happened yet.
  • Finally, that I spend time thinking about the worst case scenario, and I need to give equal time to thinking about the best case scenario and then the most likely scenario.

These three things and telling myself to think about this when I get anxious, helped immensely. It is weird, but I don’t know everything that is going to happen even though apparently my brain thinks it does. Hmm. Lol.

That particular therapist was amazing, and I randomly found her just by going to my insurance’s app and choosing an appointment with someone. Her first name is Grace, so that is why I picked her over the others that were available. It seemed like a nice safe name, a reassuring one. I was led in the right direction because she changed my world.

I also decided to try medicine one more time. This time, my doctor and I had a very good conversation about my apprehensions and she ended up prescribing a medication that was a life-saver. She told me that all of her patients who have anxiety love it, and I was pretty skeptical. But, I told myself I was doing this, and I was all in this time. I was giving this a real try for me and for my family. When I first started the meds, I was so tired. I slept for two days. (I started on a weekend so that Billy would be home since it was a new medicine). I wanted to quit, but I didn’t. The next four days I was tired, but not to the point where I slept for two days straight. I was functioning but I did give Wyatt and I the week off of school and let him watch lots of tv, which I don’t really do. I felt super guilty but Billy told me to think of it like I was physically ill and to give myself…grace. So I listened and kept going. By the end of the week, I was no longer sleepy tired, and every day I felt better and better. I began to feel like myself again. Now, a few months in, I feel like I am back to me. I still have anxiety, obviously, but it doesn’t eat away at me constantly. I had reached a point where I turned to Billy one day and said “I can no longer live like this, and I don’t know what to do.” I knew I had to take control so that I could be the person I needed to be for him, for Wyatt – and for me. I always leave myself out of the equation, and that is one thing I have been slowly trying to do.

I went to a luncheon at Wyatt’s clinic for moms of special needs kids the other day. It was a fun afternoon away, but one thing that stuck with me was something the social worker told us all to do. She said she knows our lives are different and hard and we may not have lots of time for ourselves, but that we needed to find a few minutes everyday that are just for us. She suggested making a box that we can pull out with some items in it that comfort us and bring us some joy, and encouraged us to make time that way. Just a few minutes, somewhere in our day, for us. And lately I have been trying to make this time, these box moments although I am not doing that yet. I am taking the time to paint my nails fun colors every week. I also now have a morning and nightly ritual to take care of me, and that is my skin care routine. It may sound so weird, but self-care for me was super basic. Like if I could squeeze the time in, I would do it. Now, I am prioritizing more than a ten minute shower. Every morning and every night, I am washing my face, and now I have a whole routine I do. In the mornings, I cleanse and tone and apply hyaluronic acid and add my moisturizer and spf. At night, it changes but it also has multiple steps. And it is so helpful to my mental health. Actually yesterday, the next morning after spending time at the hospital with Wyatt, I asked Billy if he could stay with Wyatt so I could do my morning routine, even though I knew he was leaving for work. At first he said no, he had to go to work, and I started to cry. Don’t judge him too harshly though, it was a rough time for us both emotionally and we were trying to cope in our own ways. Him through work and me reaching out for my time too. I just wanted him to stay an extra ten minutes so that I didn’t need to worry Wyatt was going to vomit while I was out of the room, but his mind was elsewhere. Once he thought about it for more than ten seconds he was instantly apologetic and went and got me a towel and told me to take a shower and do my thing, that it was ok. He could be late.

So all of these things combined are helping me, in addition to my faith and church and the support I have been given from my family and friends . You all know who you are! This is my journey and I really hope that if you are out there struggling and feeling sort of hopeless, that you are not alone. I hope that you will find the path that makes you feel well again and brings you out of the fear and darkness, and I know how very hard and scary that can be, both to live that way and to take steps forward. If you feel you are ready to take that step but are unsure of where to go, talk to your doctor. Talk to someone close. Talk to a therapist. Find someone that clicks. And keep trying and don’t give up. Remember your brain does not know everything even when it is telling you it has all the answers.

Tuesday Morning Coffee Catch Up

On By Erin @ Cracker Crumb LifeIn mom life19 Comments

Hello everyone! I recently took a short break from here, and from a lot of things actually, for a little self care. The last year was pretty crazy, and I had put off some important things for myself and it sort of reached a head, forcing me to take care of it. I struggle with anxiety, a lot, and the last year I had tried different medications, none of which worked, and I sort of gave up. Unfortunately, my body and mental health still needed something, and therapy only was not working. It reached a point where I was constantly in a state of anxiety or panic; and I finally approached my doctor about trying something different, again. After two weeks of adjusting to this new medicine, I am feeling a bit better. I still have a ways to go, but everyday I see a little more progress in the right direction.

I feel it is important to talk about these things. Mental health gets swept under the rug, or dismissed by others as you should just be able to suck it up and move on, and sometimes that really is not possible and you need help. My husband read this and told me about it when I was feeling bad about having to take medication – “Sometimes you need a crutch to hold you up so you can walk”. And that is so true. I always feel slightly like I have failed when I can’t control my intrusive thoughts or panic, and I have to give myself some more grace.

I have spent the last two weeks doing a lot of thinking. I didn’t do much on Instagram, I didn’t read, I wasn’t blogging. I kept the amount of input to a minimum – and wow, do I consume a lot of other input normally. When did I have time to slow down and think, between all I was taking in and also what I do daily in my home, in terms of care for Wyatt, etc. I really didn’t. So that is one thing I am going to change – taking more time for me. I sometimes get lost in the shuffle. Even with blogging, I hurry through my posts in the morning while Wyatt is eating breakfast, trying to carve out a small bit of time for me. I am doing that right now, but I am trying not to hurry through today. I don’t need to. We homeschool, our schedule is controlled by me and if we start later, we start later. Nothing bad will happen.

The last two weeks, we also spent around the house. The first week of my new meds, I was so tired. Like for two days all I did was sleep. Thank goodness I started on a weekend! Then, the following Monday, Billy’s dad was rushed to the hospital for a stroke. It turned out much better than it could have, and it was a TIA but it was a very scary week as they put out different health issues that kept popping up while he was in the hospital. He is out and doing well now.

So we have been taking it slow.

Playing with all of our little animals, including checking on our new fish, Spot. (We started with two, sadly one did not make it)

We had a few warm sunny days, and by then, I was feeling well enough to get out more with kiddo.

Sunday, we decorated for Valentine’s Day, and Billy made us a wonderful dinner (inspired by one of my favorite movies, Amelie, which I am talking about here on Thursday)

It has been a two weeks of healing and I am hoping to keep this feeling of slowing down and letting go and soaking up more moments.

I hope wherever you are that you are doing well. Take care my friends. Be gentle with yourselves. And thank you to everyone who commented, messaged, and emailed me that you were thinking about me, praying for me, and were checking on me. I appreciated all of your kind words.

A Vulnerable Coffee Catch Up

On By Erin @ Cracker Crumb LifeIn Coffee Catch UP, metal health31 Comments

Hi everyone. I want to share what I have been going through the past two weeks, but first, if talking about mental health or anxiety is triggering for you, then please skip this post. I would hate to cause anyone any negativity.

So. Where I have been. Three weeks ago I was feeling good – blood pressure fantastic, mild anxiety left over from Wyatt’s surgeries but nothing terrible, my weight is good, and had A+ blood work according to my doctor. However, at that wellness visit we decided to increase my Prozac by just ten milligrams. I had been taking 10mg Prozac for years, and we thought since I was having some mild anxiety we would increase it. The doctor said it still was considered a very low dose, etc. Then things when to absolute hell.

My anxiety and fear grew with every single day. I was struggling to not just lay in bed, I wanted to hide from my own brain and thoughts. It took all of my strength to get up everyday and care for myself and Wyatt, which I absolutely did. I did the bare minimum, fed us, made sure we were safe, went to appointments, but nothing extra and for sure nothing exciting or enriching. In addition to my anxiety growing – like I was afraid to eat or walk around for fear I would have a stroke – my blood pressure just kept climbing as well. I have had essential hypertension since I was 24, it is just inherited and I am very good at tracking my blood pressure and keeping a log. However, no matter what my doctor was increasing my blood pressure meds by, it was not controlling it. By Good Friday, I was feeling out of my mind, and when Billy came home from work, I drove myself to the ER. I told them I was having constant panic attacks and that my blood pressure was insane. They monitored me for about an hour, prescribed an extra pill, told me that I was actually fine and not going to die, which I was absolutely positive I was going to and gave me some good information about my current blood pressure to help me through. I wrote that kind doctor’s words down and kept them with me.

My doctor contacted me the next day, saying that she had gotten my ER notes and was going to have the nurse manager call me the following Monday to help me find an appointment to follow up. At my follow up, my blood pressure was still high. After we talked a bit about what was going on, we realized that I had been fine up until she increased my Prozac. She thinks that there is a very good chance that the increased dose triggered a reaction in my body, like a less severe version of serotonin syndrome, which in extreme cases can be fatal. Even if it was not serotonin syndrome, Prozac is a drug that when you first start taking it or have an increase in dose, it can actually INCREASE fear and anxiety for a few weeks. So just something to realize and pay attention to. I think due to my small dose and dose increase it wasn’t as severe as it could have been. However, unfortunately for me, I have a whole lot of anxiety tied up with my blood pressure anyway, as a result of my month in the hospital while pregnant with Wyatt for pre-eclampsia, which probably exacerbated the whole situation on top of things. Yay me. So, my doctor came up with a new plan. We dropped the Prozac back down to 10mg, since I can’t simply just stop taking it completely just like that, and she put me on an entirely different blood pressure medicine. And Xanax, the lowest dose for a short time until I get through this time of transition. I am not super comfortable with that last one, but I do need it right now and don’t plan on taking it longer than I need to. I will take magnesium instead, when the time comes. She told me that it is going to take a little bit to get things (blood pressure) back to normal again, and to not expect it to be back to where it was (110/75!) in just three days. I am impatient to get back there though, so I have to fight that inclination and disappointment as well, and believe that I will get better, but it will be a process.

As for my anxiety, well, right now that is pretty good. I think that once the excess Prozac has left my system finally, I will be much better. And as for the jump scare of taking my own blood pressure, Billy and I team up. He takes it, doesn’t tell me what it is, and records it for me. He knows the parameters that our doctor gave for it, and also knows how to contact her if needed.

Mental health is such a fragile thing, sometimes. Medication can be good, but also, we need to pay attention to what our bodies are telling us. Sometimes they work and sometimes we have reactions. I never read side effects because I am a person who will automatically get them if I read them, but if I take something and feel weird, I contact the doctor and let them decide. I was nervous to write this post, so many people don’t believe in medication for mental health and look down on those who take it, think they are weak. I don’t feel that way. Your body chemicals can be out whack anywhere – brain, cholesterol, hormones, heart, what have you, and it is important to take care of yourself, and if taking a medication can help and doesn’t hurt you, then so be it. But also, if you do take something and know something is wrong, do not be afraid to bring it up to your doctor. I also think you should be able to have an open, trusting relationship with your doctor. My doctor is wonderful, she listens to me, considers what I am saying, allays my fears, and is very responsive to emails – all things that I need in a doctor.

It has been a wild few months for our family and homeschool has suffered, I haven’t been as available to my mother as I need to be, but I am managing that guilt as well. I need to take care of myself so that I can get better and get back to my normal life. I am thankfully very very blessed with supportive family and friends who are helping me through these times and hopefully I will be back to my normal self soon.

Consider this my PSA for the month! Lol. Take care of yourselves, no matter what that looks like for you!